party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
