i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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