You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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