dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
