On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we made out on top of his cat.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
