just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize