i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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