So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
