And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
