I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I am morally bankrupt
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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