I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
