why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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