I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
