I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
