He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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