I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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