Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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