So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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