Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
