She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
