it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
