I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
