i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize