I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
