Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
