I feel great
I just peed on a car
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
