if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
