drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
