theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
