It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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