Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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