i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
