Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
