my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize