I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
