you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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