oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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