I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
