I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
