So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
