U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize