You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize