Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
