You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize