I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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