she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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