oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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