so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
