God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
