I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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