I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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