So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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