I faked an abortion last night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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