I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just had sex on a roof
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
