Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize