I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
