thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
