Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
