If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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