I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
