i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
