I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
